by Robin Guard

At the Conference on Organic Agriculture in Guelph last January, there was a workshop on marketing. Something rather funny happened when, on a show of hands, it became apparent that half the audience were consumers who were looking for a source of organic food and couldn’t find one, and the other half were organic growers who couldn’t sell their stuff. This led to a free-for-all of ideas, ranging from the high tech guy who said that the answer lay in electronic networking to the enterprising lady who started taking orders for carrots on the spot.

It is obvious that organic growers don’t have a clue about selling in the modern world. All this nonsense about sharing fresh food with the local community is not where it’s at. It’s a global market, and it's time we started copying the way the big boys sell their stuff. They assume that the consumer is a complete moron, and they laugh all the way to the bank.

In an effort to bring organic marketing up to date, I offer the following suggestions.

Pricing policy: Never put a conspicuous price on your produce. The two key words to use are SALE and SAVE. Put a huge sign saying SALE over your store or stand, and then on each item of produce, use the word SAVE. Think of some outrageous price, then subtract the price you’re prepared to sell at. Put the result on a card, saying SAVE $2. A POUND! or whatever. The actual price is irrelevant. It works for them and it will work for you.

Put silly names on your product: Use some imagination. Who wants to buy dull-sounding stuff like organically grown spelt? Sure, it’s an honest description, but hey, we’re not talking honesty here, we’re talking selling. Try names like "Memories of Kapuskasing", packaged in day-glo colors. Keep the actual ingredients in very small letters. You’re selling an image, not food.

Label your product 'NEW!': This word never fails. It has been used by soap companies offering the identical product for at least a century. It is strongly recommended for grains like quinoa. Vary it occasionally with IMPROVED.

Get on television: This is where the real selling begins. One look at the rubbish offered in the average TV ad is enough to convince anyone that people will buy anything if they see it on the small screen. So use it! Here are some pointers to help you design your own 30-second spot.

First, the organic movement should work together to develop an identifiable TV personality. Sincere-looking presidents are much in vogue at the moment. I suggest we develop a line called Past-President’s Choice. We have some very glamorous past-presidents to choose from, and they could be trained to look sincere.

Secondly, we have to devise an image for organic food in general. This is pretty subtle, so bear with me while I explain. You see, you have to play on opposites. Consider the manufacturer who has a big, totally automated factory that stamps out a thousand cookies a second from dough made from imported bleached flour, chalk, sugar and tallow. He will run a TV ad which shows a cuddly elderly actor in an old farmhouse kitchen, lovingly pushing cookie dough very slowly through a forcing bag, backlit in soft focus. He projects an image which is the exact opposite of the reality.

So how do we use this technique for organic food? Well, your average consumer probably pictures us up to our fetlocks in manure, plodding across the back forty behind Old Bessie, laboriously turning over the soil. We need to project the opposite image. We need a confidence-building, scientific-looking person in a white coat (white coats reduce consumer resistance dramatically) holding up an elaborate piece of scientific equipment and making outlandish claims, repeating the word organic at least three times in each sentence. As the picture fades, a heavenly choir repeats "organic, organic...." ad nauseum, while a mighty Wurlitzer pounds out some Bach in the background (organ = organic, get it?)

Having made our ad, we need to repeat it every three minutes on all channels until the faces become as well loved as that elderly actress who has such problems with her dentures.